Finally, as I sit at my keyboard tonight, I'm feeling as I'd imagined I'd feel all along. I have proverbially been holding my breath until today. Until now. The tears are flowing and I'm astounded that our Father loves us the way He does. That He loves Gabrielle the way He does. Our beautiful daughter has been home with us for nine months. It has been an utterly divine nine months with her. But two court hearings and no finalization of her adoption have put our faith through the wringer. We have steadily trusted in His plan for Gabrielle's future and our faith has seen huge mountains moved over and over again. How could we not trust?
A few weeks after her birth, Gabrielle's birthparents decided that adoption was in her best interest. They had met us, and decided... even through the pain and uncertainty of it, that we were the best choice for her future. I'm still in awe that those two brave souls, who will always be precious to us, chose life for her and chose us for her. And at nine weeks old, we had the sheer pleasure of welcoming her into our fold. She has been the light and love of our already bustling home the same amount of time she grew and developed in her birthmother's womb. She has been our daughter. But on paper she has had another name. On paper she has had another mother and another father. No piece of paper or judge's decree could ever change the way our hearts feel... nor does it make her more our daughter. But oh, the sweetness of it now! Today marks the end of a long road to finalize Gabrielle's adoption! She has a new name, a new mother and father. And we humbly get to be her parents. Adoptions, no matter what kind, are wrought with emotion on all sides. We're all human and we all pull and struggle against what we want to do and what we know is right. This adoption has been no stranger to high emotions and humanness. (mostly from me!)
June 26, 2010
Getting ready to bring her home for the first time.
I honestly thought I understood God's love after giving birth to our first four children.
I thought I understood that He would do anything to be with us, anything to bring us into a relationship with Himself. But I don't think I truly grasped how far He would go to reach down, zero in, and grab on for dear life, gently propping us up in the place where we belong. I see that so clearly now.
He would do anything for us to be His.
And He did just that. He gave His Son for us.
The bunch of messes we are.
Indescribable.
It was so natural that when our children were born to us, they were ours. No questions asked. No one came over to check where our medications were kept, or if we had enough smoke detectors. No one made sure we were all on the same page before allowing us the chance at getting pregnant. It just was.
So many times down this adoption road we've been on, I've wanted to growl to everyone, "Step back, she's mine!" Don't even think about changing your mind. You can't have her. Don't even think about it. As any mother can attest, a mama's love is fierce.
And I have a fierce love for this daughter of mine.
For all of my children.
And in the middle of it all, I have come to understand God's love.
His love is fierce.
For all of His children.
He says, "Step back, everyone! You can't have her, she's MINE."
I'm His.
She's His. Not mine.
I understand now.
He chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved.
(Ephesians 1:4-6)
