never say never. ever.

I can vividly remember times in the last year, where I have whispered to myself,

"I could never wear my glasses day in and day out.  I think I look so tired and ugly in them."

And at other times, I told myself,

"I really, really hope I don't ever have to be one of those people that have to go gluten-free for one reason or another, or have to drastically change my diet in any way.  I could never do that." 

Seriously.

Don't you imagine that God just chuckles at us at times?  Sits back, crosses his arms, and then slaps his knee at our boldness and hilarity?  I do.  I'm sure a great big belly laugh was heard in heaven at my expense.  And then he called Gabriel over and he laughed too because it was me again.  Sigh. 

Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring.
Proverbs 27:1



You see, about six months ago, I was diagnosed with an eye infection that has greatly effected my whole cornea.  (the covering of your eye)  It then jumped to the uninfected eye as well and stuck around there for a couple months, though it is to a much lesser degree.  And now it has moved to the chronic level and is pretty much permanent these days.  I am not able to wear contacts or makeup, which, in the past was my absolute nightmare. 

I know, totally vain.

(Even though a few "special" days have seen me sporting a little eye makeup, that was promptly removed when I got home.)  I have been on countless rounds of medication these six months, with no solution in sight.  Next would be a specialist, new medication, and new procedures.  But I haven't gone back to the Dr.  It gets a little tiring.  I was going every week for a long time there. 

I don't say all of this to gain pity.  Not at all.  I actually have come to love my glasses, and forget I'm wearing them most days.  And if I have eye makeup on under them, I actually scare myself when I look into the mirror.  It looks that strange to me! 

I say all of this because God has been doing a rather large work in me over this past year.  And it's only fitting that it would end with a bang and completely tear away the things I thought I needed to function.  AKA: contacts, makeup, and normal food.  (We'll get to the food part.)

Okay, I'm going to be really honest here, and say that I never understood why women would choose not to wear makeup if they were able, and if they had a choice, why they didn't wear contacts instead of glasses?  But, oh have I been enlightened!  For one, I thought for some reason, that Jeremy would think I was the ugliest woman on the planet if I didn't wear eye makeup.  And he'd make a fast break for the hills.  But in reality, he doesn't even notice if I happen to be wearing some that day and says he thinks I'm beautiful no matter what.  He thinks my glasses are cute too. 

What I'm realizing now, is that insecurities we hold about ourselves and our bodies can take root and grow to be a huge and poisonous weed.  And it begins to come out in our speech and we obsess over it.  (Listen to what your friends talk about and you'll figure out really quickly what they are insecure about.)  This weed is one that needs to be plucked.  And maybe if we aren't going to do the work to pull it ourselves, he sometimes takes the reigns and steps in.  Well, God has plucked it for sure.  And now the weed of insecurity of how I look in my glasses and without makeup and in public in general is long gone, and I feel comfortable with myself and my four-eyed, bare face.  I sure do hope that contacts are in my future again, but I'm pretty sure that my glasses will also be close at hand.  And that makeup will be strictly optional. 

Maybe you're thinking, we need to pray for healing for that girl! 

Well, you're a little late, if you think we haven't gone that route.  :)  I pray each and everyday for healing from this and other things that ail me.  But you know what?  If this eye infection hadn't taken hold of me, I just wouldn't have heard God saying,


"You are beautiful.  I made you this way.  You are mine.  I love you.  Didn't I do a bang-up job on you?  I think so."


As I've experienced in the past, immediate healing isn't always the best choice for where God wants to take me.  Sometimes this girl needs to get a tad uncomfortable to truly hear and believe him.  There have been many moments since giving birth to our first four children that I just couldn't function.  My body was wrought with undiagnosed thyroid disease, and that brought a whole slew of awfulness such as anxiety and panic attacks, dizziness, extreme fatigue, crazy irritability, heart palpitations, etc..  for years..  I had one emergency room visit and trips to cardiologists too... and then add a skull that was sitting off of my spine from an old car accident as a teen nearly 18 years ago, and you have a recipe for a train wreck of a woman, wife, and mother. 

Yep, that was me.  Big train wreck mama.

But all of that, PRAISE be to GOD is GONE.  Banished.  Wiped away one-by-one in the last year and a half. The Lord has lead me to amazing practitioners that have taken care of all of the issues I was faced with.  I seriously thought I wouldn't live to see my kids grow up or be Jeremy's wife for the rest of my life.  At times I felt so helpless and sad.   Leaning on God and his promises that are jam-packed in the Bible are the only thing that kept me full of hope.  I kept trusting.  Kept hoping that one day....  that one day came sooner than I thought. 

Now, of course my eyes and issues with my body currently are bad, but I have this hope from God's faithfulness in the past.  So how could I not trust that he has my absolute good in mind?  But I have to say that my symptoms are mostly outward and aren't affecting my energy, sleep, etc.. like they did in the past.  So this, in comparison, is a walk in the park.  Though it wouldn't have been, had I not experienced hardships with my health in the past.  It's all in how you look at it.



Just when I thought I couldn't handle my eye infections any longer, a new card was played.  Enter the NO SUGAR - NO GRAINS - NO FRUITS - NO DAIRY plan.  Oh boy.  Wait. Wait, wait, wait.  I take back everything I said or thought about my glasses and makeup.  Not this!!! 

Well, after 4 weeks of eating like a rabbit who eats eggs, nuts, and beans too, I can honestly say that it has been so much easier than I thought at the outset.  I have taken it honestly one day at a time.  And only looked at what I was going to eat that day.  I didn't worry about the hard realities.  I kept focused on getting well and what I need to do to get there.  And hey, I am eating.  I have food to eat each day.  And for that I am truly thankful. 

And I actually love my new way of eating.  And I'm feeling better.  But I'm not gonna lie.  There have been a few times where I'd do just about anything to get my hands on a bowl of cereal or a steaming mocha.

You've heard enough about my new way of eating, so I won't go into it.  But let me just say that this is what it took for God to get through to me in the area of food.  He has changed my heart and mind in this area too.  And I never want to go back to the way I was before.   

Life can throw curve balls at you from the very insignificant to the heart-stopping - but God is still the God who knows and sees, and has your very best interest at the top his to-do list.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
Isaiah 43:2

I have this hope

There are times when I get overwhelmed by the brevity and fragileness of life that I can hardly breathe. 

I begin to think about the what ifs and the pain that may someday enter my life.  Sometimes I lay in bed at night loving my husband and little bits so much that I think I may just burst at the seams.  I don't want anything to change.  I want to sit in my happy bubble and float around in it.  I don't want my children to leave.  I don't want any of us to leave this earth ahead of any of the rest of us.   I tear up even now at the thought.  I imagine Gavin, who can't bear the thought of sleeping apart from his brother, saying goodbye to his lifelong roomie and sending him off into the great big world without him.  And in 8 short years, that may become a reality.  (Or Drew can stay and raise his family in our home like he plans on now...) 

There's a song I love right now called, My Own Little World.  My song would be titled, My Own Imaginary World. 

If you're like many women I talk to, you have your own little imaginary world too.  We like to dive into the deep end of the what ifs and swim around awhile.  Sometimes I grab my floaties and goggles and stay even longer.  I imagine what life would be like if _______ happened, or ___________ got hurt or ill, or what if there's a ________ or a ________.   You know what I mean.  I really hope I'm alone in this, but I just know I'm not. 

Studying the Bible this last semester with a new group of women has brought my awareness, understanding, and desire for change to a new level.  I am a fearful person in my nature.  I'm brave and confident in most situations, but the fear of the unknown taunts me.  I was thinking I was fully trusting God with my life.  Maybe I was with mine a little, but I sure wasn't with everyone else's.  I fear the uncontrollable.  Check this out:

He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.   Psalm 112:7

What would it look like to live with a fully steadfast heart, trusting in the Lord?  I know God has my life, the life of my family mapped out.  I know that.  Am I okay with what the furture holds including the hard stuff?  I have to be.  This fear thing, this worrying thing just isn't working out...  so I am asking God to give me his peace and his power to fully trust him.  I know he can be trusted, I've seen his trustworthiness over and over again.  He will bring us through.  He promises.  Life will not be forever rosey and bright.  We will walk through the valleys, but God will guide us to the top of that peak once again if we trust him. 

This year we have been walking through things that used to make me shiver in my boots.  I didn't know how people dealt with these things, and I'd hoped I'd never be one of them.  It was one of my biggest fears.  Well I'm one of them now and I'm plunked right down in the middle of it, and God has made it GOOD.  It's good to be in this place.  It's tough, but it's good.  Fear and trust may not be able to coincide, but did you know that tough and good can?    God trades beauty for ashes and can redeem any of our trials and turn them into triumph! 

Why would I not believe that God will continue to do this after I've seen with my own eyes?  I am consciously working at laying my fears at the feet of the cross.  It has been so engrained to think in fear that it's taken some practice to realize what I'm doing.  But it has been so freeing to call fear what it is, and to send it back where it comes from.  We are not created to live in a happy little bubble.  Sometimes we're called to the pit, and we're called to bring others back out of it with us.  Sometimes loss enters our lives, but I believe there is no experience in my life good or bad that I'd be better off without.  I know it will be hard for me to see in the middle of it, but I have this hope and God's promise that he is working all of my life's experiences together for good because I love him and because I'm called according to his purpose.  God is SO big that we cannot even comprehend just how big. 

It's a good place to be.  God is calling our family to places I just never saw us.  But I see it ever so clearly now, and boy is it all making sense.  So I'm gonna trust him,  I'm gonna live and love like there's no tomorrow, and I'm gonna praise him and never stop. 

I realized this isn't a very Christmas themed post, but it's what's on my heart tonight as I sit alone with my beautifully lit Christmas tree in the dark.  For God, sending Jesus to earth as a baby was definitely hard, but wasn't it so good?  It was good, it was oh so good. 

Merry Christmas to you all. 

not large enough.

This post has been brewing in my brain for quite some time.  I'm sure if you're a Mom and you've been out with your child(ren), you've heard these statements:

"Wow, you have your hands full!"
"Don't you know how those are made by now?"
"I don't know how you do it!"
"You're brave for bringing them all with you..."

You get the idea.  You give them a weak smile while thinking, that's all you could think of to say? 

If you've ever said anything like this to a harried Mom (or perfectly peaceful Mom), no worries... I'm just trying to get us to look deeper.  Why are children not valued?  Why do we choose to look at the seemingly negative side of a circumstance rather than the positives?  Can we see children as a joyful addition to life (and shopping trips)?  And by the way, a Mom always knows she has her hands full!  And I for one, LOVE taking all 5 kids to the store.  I really do.  It's a challenge and such fun all at the same time. 

I can think of plenty of positive things to say when I see a fellow Mom out and about with her kid(s).  How about:   (these are real things that people have said to me,  THANK YOU!)

"Cute kiddos."
"How old are they?"
You are incredibly blessed."
"You're doing a good job, Mom."
"Can I help you with anything?"
"You kids are so well behaved."
"How fun to be shopping with your Mom!"

This is just a springboard to get to the topic I want to address.  I have 5 children.  Honestly, I don't see that as a large family.  It's our family.  And I adore our family.  It's not a burden, it's an absolute joy.  I can understand why a family with more than 2-3 kids is considered "large" in our culture where reaching the "American Dream" is something to be strived for, and many view children as little beings that get in the way.  Well, I for one am living my dream.  No American Dream needed here, I have a God-given dream.  There is nothing that could entice me to live in a bigger house, have a nicer (and smaller) car, enjoy more throw around cash, have designer clothes, and a career that is taking off.  NOTHING.  I laugh at the thought.  I love my life.  Our children are a heritage.  They (and ourselves) are the only things that are lasting in this life in light of eternity.  So why should I invest in anything else? 

There are WAY, WAY, WAY too many children (try over 150 million) that need the love of a family for us to be selfish with our lives.  (I am in no way saying that all should adopt, or become foster parents, or that you yourself are being selfish... I'm talking about our family specifically.)  God has placed his heart for the fatherless and the lonely in ours, and we are never looking back.  Sometimes I lay in bed at night and ache at the thought of a child somewhere (right now) being abused, neglected, and with no hope.  Sometimes it is more than I can bear.  Sometimes I look at the photo galleries of waiting children here in the United States and other countries to see if any of them seem like they are ours.  I did that today.  I do it often. 

In the last 2 years, God has completely thrown open the doors of our hearts and let us look through his eyes at this ginormous need.  And we began to wonder, what can we ever do?  We already have a family with 4 children.  Well, God expanded our hearts to have more love to give and changed our way of thinking.  We don't need a larger house, ours will do just fine.  We do have more room.  Our children don't need their own space.  Sharing rooms builds respect for others and their property.  And it builds relationships like nothing else can.

So in our minds, our family isn't large or too large... I just have a feeling it's not large enough.  And with God, how can anything be "too" anything?  If it's his plan and his heart, how can anything not be just right?  There are so many thoughts swirling tonight that it's all coming out as one big ramble... I hope you're still with me, and I hope God stirs your heart too. 

To do something. 

If you are a believer in Christ, God has chosen us as the people who will come to orphans and widows in their distress.  We all know what a widow is, but what is an orphan exactly?  Is it just someone who has lost both parents to death?  I believe it is that, and also there is a figurative use of the word, which puts on the same level parentless children and people who are alone, solitary; abandoned, cast-off, forsaken, lost; disregarded, ignored, neglected, and slighted. I also have heard foster children called "temporary orphans."  And I believe this to be a proper use of the term, especially with all of the added definitions of an orphan.

Children need not only food and shelter.  They need love, security, and to belong somewhere.  Somewhere safe.  And though we aren't perfect people or parents, we are willing to be used by God in the life of our children and possibly future children with our faults and all.  And we pray he will use us for his glory on this earth and not ours. 

passionate

Last night, I laid in bed thinking about what I'm passionate about.  If I really stop and think about it, I can come up with loads of things I'm passionate about.  But we can be passionate about many, many things without actually acting on them, you know what I mean?  I want to be a woman who moves and acts and makes a difference in the areas God has given me a passion for.  My passions will be different than your passions.  I can't judge you for not having the same passion I have, and vice versa.  And I'm not a megaphone type of person who rants to all who will listen about my passions... and expects everyone else to agree. God gives us different abilities, gifts, and passions.   What're yours??  I'd love for you to share them in the comments if you would!

The things I am passionate about, that I can think of right now as I'm sitting here are, and can totally bandwagon on and post several blog post about are:

(in no particular order.. hee hee)

putting an end to the worldwide sex-traffiking industry

my marriage, and marriages in general

raising children to love the Lord and seek Him with all their hearts

that women are in safe homes and relationships

orphans

the every child has a loving, safe family

adoption

that those considering adoption would take a leap of faith and dive in

foster children and foster care

teaching our kids at home

that the termination of pregnancies would end

that everyone on the planet would know the love and saving grace of Jesus Christ

that humans would respect other humans

that our nation would fall on it's knees before God in worship and obedience

moms ~ that women would see the priviledge and honor of being a mother

men/fathers ~ that men would see the responsibility of being a dad/husband as something to be cherished

making people feel welcomed

being honest/transparent with friends

all humans would only speak things that are kind/necessary/true... (we're teaching our kids this)

unmarried teens/adults would see the importance of waiting until marriage to have sex

pornography ~ I wish it would vanish into thin air

modesty

Christians looking beyond themselves and their own family to the needs around us

clean water and food for all
that I would not view my life as "my own" that I would view it as God's to do with as he desires

Wow, that's a lot of things to be passionate about... I'm sure there are many more!!  And those are just the "issues" I'm passionate about, that doesn't even include the things I like to do that generate passion in me. And yes, some of these seem "unrealistic" because of sin in our world, but that doesn't stop me from making a difference where I am.

Now the question is, what am I to do with all of this passion?  Why has God placed these things on my heart?  Time will tell, but for now... all I can do is act on them as God gives opportunities.  And he continues to do just that.