I have this hope

There are times when I get overwhelmed by the brevity and fragileness of life that I can hardly breathe. 

I begin to think about the what ifs and the pain that may someday enter my life.  Sometimes I lay in bed at night loving my husband and little bits so much that I think I may just burst at the seams.  I don't want anything to change.  I want to sit in my happy bubble and float around in it.  I don't want my children to leave.  I don't want any of us to leave this earth ahead of any of the rest of us.   I tear up even now at the thought.  I imagine Gavin, who can't bear the thought of sleeping apart from his brother, saying goodbye to his lifelong roomie and sending him off into the great big world without him.  And in 8 short years, that may become a reality.  (Or Drew can stay and raise his family in our home like he plans on now...) 

There's a song I love right now called, My Own Little World.  My song would be titled, My Own Imaginary World. 

If you're like many women I talk to, you have your own little imaginary world too.  We like to dive into the deep end of the what ifs and swim around awhile.  Sometimes I grab my floaties and goggles and stay even longer.  I imagine what life would be like if _______ happened, or ___________ got hurt or ill, or what if there's a ________ or a ________.   You know what I mean.  I really hope I'm alone in this, but I just know I'm not. 

Studying the Bible this last semester with a new group of women has brought my awareness, understanding, and desire for change to a new level.  I am a fearful person in my nature.  I'm brave and confident in most situations, but the fear of the unknown taunts me.  I was thinking I was fully trusting God with my life.  Maybe I was with mine a little, but I sure wasn't with everyone else's.  I fear the uncontrollable.  Check this out:

He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.   Psalm 112:7

What would it look like to live with a fully steadfast heart, trusting in the Lord?  I know God has my life, the life of my family mapped out.  I know that.  Am I okay with what the furture holds including the hard stuff?  I have to be.  This fear thing, this worrying thing just isn't working out...  so I am asking God to give me his peace and his power to fully trust him.  I know he can be trusted, I've seen his trustworthiness over and over again.  He will bring us through.  He promises.  Life will not be forever rosey and bright.  We will walk through the valleys, but God will guide us to the top of that peak once again if we trust him. 

This year we have been walking through things that used to make me shiver in my boots.  I didn't know how people dealt with these things, and I'd hoped I'd never be one of them.  It was one of my biggest fears.  Well I'm one of them now and I'm plunked right down in the middle of it, and God has made it GOOD.  It's good to be in this place.  It's tough, but it's good.  Fear and trust may not be able to coincide, but did you know that tough and good can?    God trades beauty for ashes and can redeem any of our trials and turn them into triumph! 

Why would I not believe that God will continue to do this after I've seen with my own eyes?  I am consciously working at laying my fears at the feet of the cross.  It has been so engrained to think in fear that it's taken some practice to realize what I'm doing.  But it has been so freeing to call fear what it is, and to send it back where it comes from.  We are not created to live in a happy little bubble.  Sometimes we're called to the pit, and we're called to bring others back out of it with us.  Sometimes loss enters our lives, but I believe there is no experience in my life good or bad that I'd be better off without.  I know it will be hard for me to see in the middle of it, but I have this hope and God's promise that he is working all of my life's experiences together for good because I love him and because I'm called according to his purpose.  God is SO big that we cannot even comprehend just how big. 

It's a good place to be.  God is calling our family to places I just never saw us.  But I see it ever so clearly now, and boy is it all making sense.  So I'm gonna trust him,  I'm gonna live and love like there's no tomorrow, and I'm gonna praise him and never stop. 

I realized this isn't a very Christmas themed post, but it's what's on my heart tonight as I sit alone with my beautifully lit Christmas tree in the dark.  For God, sending Jesus to earth as a baby was definitely hard, but wasn't it so good?  It was good, it was oh so good. 

Merry Christmas to you all. 

1+1+5 = 9?

What do you get when you combine

1 cruddy camera, 1 cranky baby, and 5 squirrelly children?

9 awful, but oh-so-fitting pictures!

I think this one is the winner... But...

love the randomness

Another sewing project.. here's me and Gabi cutting out my Christmas dress.. which I finished last weekend and will attempt to wear tomorrow! 

Let the decorating commence...

decorating the house a couple weekends ago.  One thing I love about our kids is that they could care less about what they're wearing.  Actually, they think they look fabulous in mismatched clothes, and I rather prefer that myself. 

 Our poor tree stand is literally on it's last zip-tied leg!

Baby's first Christmas!

This greeted me as I was hopping in the shower the other day... The dolls look comfy!

The lone naked "baby Barbie", as Annie calls her, is the only one we have left.  Painted on clothes rock. 

My cheese ball, holding her cheese ball.

A gorgeous sunrise out the kitchen. 

Can't remember what they were looking at, but it sure warmed my heart. 

Wrestling, always wrestling...  our girls are good too!

Goodnight!  I feel so much better and so caught up from my blog break after dumping all my pictures on you... 

it's almost here

Our day in court with our sweet Gabrielle is almost here!!

Waiting for her adoption to finalize has been difficult.  Harder than I thought it would be.  We finalize in two and a half weeks ~ HOORAY!  I can't wait for her to be our daughter not just in our hearts but also on paper.  It's an indescribable feeling. 

The road has not been a cake walk, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  I've grown in a way I can't explain and have not only that, but a brand new, beautiful daughter to boot. 

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Here we are, six months ago on

Gotcha Day!  She was so bald and tiny.  She's still tiny, but definitely not bald anymore!

Stephanie Fast

At the Christian Alliance for Orphans conference I had the joy to attend last April in Minneapolis, there was a speaker named Stephanie Fast who was adopted from Korea as a young girl... but her story isn't just about her adoption...it is about the events leading up to her adoption.  UNBELIEVABLE.  This woman had been through more terrible events as a little girl than most in a lifetime.  I was moved beyond measure hearing her.  This is her speaking at that very event that Carly and I were in the audience for.  Grab a cup of something... and a Kleenex!  I must note that, embarassingly, right before her session started our group of ladies was standing up front of the auditorium and I was looking for someone to take a group picture of us...  I had no idea who she was... and walked over to her seated in the front row and asked if she would take our group picture!  A little confused, she started to stand and one of her assistants took it for us.  If I had only known I would have asked for her to be in the picture with us!  We had a good laugh about that when she took the stage, and realized she was the speaker! 


Christian Alliance For Orphans Summit 2010 from Kristen Munson on Vimeo.

the homeschool blahs

In each of our six homeschooling years, I've hit a blah patch.  And I'm currently in the world of blahdom.  Welcome back to the blahs, Amanda... we've been waiting for you. 

It's difficult for me to explain my blahishness, mostly it's homeschooling boredom and laziness.  Mostly it's because my selfish nature kicks into over-drive and I realize there are so many other things my selfish nature wants to do.  When I give into my selfish side, homeschooling falls apart.  The kids go crazy, I grow impatient, and I wonder why they aren't just doing what they're supposed to.  Well....  I know full well it's because I'm not doing what I'm supposed to. 

I want to be homeschooling.

I love being with our kids. 

I love homeschooling.


Right now though, it just reeks of blahness.  (I love how I've made up new words using blah in this post!) 

We aren't led toward any other option right now.  Nor do I think we'll ever be led to any other option for schooling.  If God leads us to do something else, we'll visit that when it comes.  But for now,  this is it.  This is what we do. 

I'm realizing more and more that there are so many things I want to do with the kids, but I get so stinkin' lazy sometimes.  Too lazy to slow down.  Does that make sense?  I'm a go-getter type person, so I don't consider my self a lazy person... but I do consider myself a hurried person, that wants things done in an instant and doesn't fancy taking the time it takes to do a really good job on something.  I'm too lazy to stop what I'm doing and do something that would be meaningful to the kids.  Most of the time.  I have to give myself some credit and not bash myself too much.  I love doing things with the kids.  I just know myself and know when I'm fighting against it.  I have a much easier time with this on the weekends when Jeremy is home, but on our school days when he's working I really struggle to stop my plans and give of my time.  Selfish.  I know.  That's my problem. 

At the beginning of this year, we started in with a great school day schedule which I love.  We've all loved it.  But it has caused me to swallow a large unselfish pill and I think that is what has gotten me all out of whack, and caused me to ditch the schedule for a bit.  BIG MISTAKE.  Our days have been chaotic compared to normal.  I love doing what I want, when I want to.  And our school schedule doesn't leave much room for that.  My kids (and I) need routine, and one that I stick to.

 I have a really hard time doing the same thing for very long... that's why my blog background changes periodically, I have so many hobbies, and why it's hard to do the same thing EVERYDAY.  I get bored.  Now, this boredom doesn't apply to things like my marriage, my kids, church, family, etc... for me, it applies to the negotiable things that can be changed.  I change it up, because I can.  (I hope you'll notice that this rambling blog post, is for me... so that I can type my thoughts out and understand myself.  Feel free to stop reading at any time!)

But I'm realizing that in this life we've chosen, and this life God has blessed us with, a healthy dose of unselfishness is just what I need. 

My kids and husband have my heart.  I know you know that if you've read this blog for any period of time.  I desire to be doing my kids justice in our homeschooling.  I depend on the Lord for strength and wisdom.  I have a lot of great things going for me, and I feel like I've made great strides in SO many areas that go unnoticable to most. 

But this area is probably what I struggle with most.  My time.  My plans.  My.  My.  Mine.  I'm not some seemingly homeschooling saint.  I've been viewed like that in the past, and I always say,  "If you only knew."  I wanted my life to be not about me.  I know that's what God wants from me too.  And most of the time, I'm perfectly content in that spot.  Except when the blahs hit. 

My kids are great students, they really are.  They love to learn.  They're fantastic readers and read all day long and into the night.  They soak up what we're learning.  I love being with them.  Love seeing their eyes light up.  And I love that they want to be with me. 

Right now, for a book club I'm leading, we're reading Beth Moore's new book So Long, Insecurity.  Wowsers.  It's a good 'un.  I'm super insecure in my homeschooling.  No one has made me feel that way, I just am.  I've been praying that God would give me his joy in this.  He has numerous times.  I just feel like I slip back so easily into the homeschool crankies.  I'm insecure that I'm not doing enough, that they won't be good writers because of me, that they're getting the short end of the educational stick because of me.  But really, I know better.  They're fine.  They'll be fine.  I know I'm not ruining them.  I know all those things.  But Satan knows my insecurities, so he jumps on my back about it whenever he gets a chance.  And I feel it, and sometimes I tell him to take a hike - outloud. 

Another reason things have been blah is that I have five kids in a span of nine years.  Now, every appendage including my head has the ability to be held onto by someone.  And be pulled in a different direction.  My sister reminded me of that recently when I was recounting my blahs to her... "Well, you have a baby."  Oh yeah.  I had forgotten that that was supposed to throw things off.  I really did.  I'm such an eternal optimist that sometimes I forget that some things are just hard.  And that's okay.  It doesn't have to be hunky dory all the time.  I forget that my life as a mom is draining.  I mean, I forget that it's supposed to be.  Only God can supply our true needs and fill us back up.

See?  I'm learning and remembering things as I type.  Thanks for walking with me through this. 

I am purposing in my heart to not be a blahfilled mom.  Or a blahfilled wife.  I am a mom and a wife that is filled with joy.  God's joy.  It is one of the gifts or fruits that come along with his Holy Spirit when he comes to dwell within us.  Joy is ours for the taking.  Unending.  Can't be explained.  Joy.  Not related to my circumstances joy.  Can't be taken away from me except by my choosing.   Joy.  You want some of that?  It's yours.  All you need is to ask.  God'll fill you right up to overflowing.  He's done it time and time again for me.  And now if I could just stop dumping it all out without getting it filled right back up. 

I know what triggers me to dump all my joy out the window.  It's being unprepared, late, and in the midst of clutter and messes.  So tonight I tidied up the house so I feel ahead when I wake up, not already behind.  That makes such a huge difference for me.  And I'm gonna try to keep it up on our school nights.  I'm sure some or most of you do this every night... but once dinner is over, I usually check out of doing those kinds of things.  I'm just done! 

I'm gonna wrap this up, and am purposing to be up on my Bible Study, be a joyfilled mom, and be prepared for each day as much as I can. 

I feel better already. 

need some new inspiration... and my wreath

Tell me, what are your favorite blogs?

I love blog hopping when I get the chance, but I'm not up for searching for blogs right now... I'd love to know your favorites.

Please share!

Check out the new cranberry wreath that is beautifying my front door...

this is the third or fourth year I've made one and they turn out so stunning in my opinion...  all you need is:

12" styrofoam wreath (if you have a choice get a green one)

extra-long plain silver sewing pins (a few boxes, it takes more pins than you'd think!)

2 bags of fresh cranberries from the produce section

some felt, trace the styrofoam wreath onto it, cut it out and pin it on the back before starting

some ribbon to make a bow

That's pretty much it... make sure you smoosh those cranberries as close together as you can!

Our Bunko group took a break from playing this month to make wreaths at my house.. it's a fun thing to do with friends since it takes a while to pin all the berries in ~ it's a fantastic time to catch up on life! Enjoy.

and the stockings were hung....

These lovely stockings were made by my awesome stepmom, Marla Kay.  I got mine when I was a teenager, then Jeremy got his when we married, then Drew for his first Christmas, and so on...  I adore these stockings.  We received Gabi's this fall!  And I just can't believe we've filled the 5 hooks on our stocking hanger all with KIDS!  When I bought this hanger at a craft fair, we had just the boys, so we hung an ornament on the center hook.  Now, Jeremy and I are booted off the hanger.  We wouldn't have it any other way! 

Depraved Indifference

Quite possibly the best video I've ever seen. Finally, something that explains the way I feel in my heart in a way that I can't explain myself. You won't be sorry you took the time to watch this, it's 8 minutes - but so worth it.  WOW

This idea doesn't just apply to children halfway around the world, it applies to all children even those in our own backyards in state care.

my little fashionista

 A couple weeks ago, I talked about my little independent self dresser here...  and I thought I'd document a few more days of her outfits for you.  She will wear anything I pick out, and I appreciate that... but most days, there's no need to match so she picks them out.   She loves picking out her clothes and is very proud of her creations!

my first shirt sewing project

On Black Friday, I scored at the fabric store!  Patterns were .99 cents and I just couldn't pass that up since I'd been wanting to experiment with making some clothes for myself.  I've been sewing purses, pillows, curtains, and other easy things for years, but was ready to try something more challenging and something I'd actually wear.  So I found an easy shirt pattern, and some fun plaid flannel to make it out of that was already 60% off and then I got another 20% off of that price as well I think.  I could hardly wait to start it, and started on Saturday.  I learned the hard way that plaid is NOT ideal for a beginning clothes seamstress, and I didn't expect to have to line up the stripes.  But it turned out really well, and I learned a valuable lesson in the process. 

Here's Morgan making "outfits" for her stuffed animals and dolls out of my scraps. 

How did I fit in a weekend of sewing you ask with 5 kids running around?  Well, here ya go!  Most of my sewing those two afternoons were done when the littles were napping, but once they were awake I still wasn't ready to stop!  Plus, Jeremy was home and that made all the difference.

Here's the finished product! 

I only made one major mistake, which involved a major seam ripping job... but I learned to be more careful before I blaze ahead with the next step. 

I'm hoping to pass along my love of sewing to my girls as my mom did to me.