touching this heart

These past couple weeks/months, these 4 songs (among others) have been majorly touching this heart. You may have seen me cruising down the road with an arm stretched toward heaven and one responsibly on the steering wheel.

Listen for yourself.

on the other side

Here is Dave yesterday evening, just hours after being released from the hospital! 

He has some healing left to do on his body and in his lungs yet, but we are thankful for the speedy recovery he has already experienced!

update: Dave released!

An update from the homefront today... my father-in-law David was released from the hospital this afternoon!  He is still in pain from his burns and lung issues, but we're thankful he can rest peacefully at their temporary home these next few weeks.  Please continue to pray for peace for both Dave and Anita, and for continued healing of his wounds. 

God gives beauty for ashes, aren't we so thankful for that? 

So thankful they are both still here with us. 

please pray

My awesome in-laws, David and Anita's house caught fire this morning.  Anita wasn't home, but Dave was home and fought the fire until he was taken by ambulance to the hospital.  He suffered burns and has smoke inhalation issues and is now resting in the ICU.  It is crazy cold here right now, like -40 at their house when the fire started.  So recovery of the things in the house is not feasible, and most of it will most probably be considered a total loss.  Please pray for peace and comfort for them, and for our family and the rest of the extended family as well.  Please pray for healing for Dave, as he'll be hospitalized for a couple more days it looks like. 

He is a dear, dear godly man that we all love and admire. 

Gavin got baptized!

Gavin decided he was ready to be baptized a few months ago,  and on January 2nd he was!

We are proud of you, Gavin for the decision you have made to announce to the world through baptism that you are going to follow Jesus with your life.  We love you so much. 

Sorry for the jump around quality and low volume of this clip...  but you get the point.  :)

Almost the whole family was able to be there that day.  

We had a yummy lunch out together afterwards. 

Gavin and Pastor Larry

Larry has been the pastor of our church since 1977, the year I was born. 

When we moved here and started attending this church, I was 8 years old just like Gavin!

I have this hope

There are times when I get overwhelmed by the brevity and fragileness of life that I can hardly breathe. 

I begin to think about the what ifs and the pain that may someday enter my life.  Sometimes I lay in bed at night loving my husband and little bits so much that I think I may just burst at the seams.  I don't want anything to change.  I want to sit in my happy bubble and float around in it.  I don't want my children to leave.  I don't want any of us to leave this earth ahead of any of the rest of us.   I tear up even now at the thought.  I imagine Gavin, who can't bear the thought of sleeping apart from his brother, saying goodbye to his lifelong roomie and sending him off into the great big world without him.  And in 8 short years, that may become a reality.  (Or Drew can stay and raise his family in our home like he plans on now...) 

There's a song I love right now called, My Own Little World.  My song would be titled, My Own Imaginary World. 

If you're like many women I talk to, you have your own little imaginary world too.  We like to dive into the deep end of the what ifs and swim around awhile.  Sometimes I grab my floaties and goggles and stay even longer.  I imagine what life would be like if _______ happened, or ___________ got hurt or ill, or what if there's a ________ or a ________.   You know what I mean.  I really hope I'm alone in this, but I just know I'm not. 

Studying the Bible this last semester with a new group of women has brought my awareness, understanding, and desire for change to a new level.  I am a fearful person in my nature.  I'm brave and confident in most situations, but the fear of the unknown taunts me.  I was thinking I was fully trusting God with my life.  Maybe I was with mine a little, but I sure wasn't with everyone else's.  I fear the uncontrollable.  Check this out:

He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.   Psalm 112:7

What would it look like to live with a fully steadfast heart, trusting in the Lord?  I know God has my life, the life of my family mapped out.  I know that.  Am I okay with what the furture holds including the hard stuff?  I have to be.  This fear thing, this worrying thing just isn't working out...  so I am asking God to give me his peace and his power to fully trust him.  I know he can be trusted, I've seen his trustworthiness over and over again.  He will bring us through.  He promises.  Life will not be forever rosey and bright.  We will walk through the valleys, but God will guide us to the top of that peak once again if we trust him. 

This year we have been walking through things that used to make me shiver in my boots.  I didn't know how people dealt with these things, and I'd hoped I'd never be one of them.  It was one of my biggest fears.  Well I'm one of them now and I'm plunked right down in the middle of it, and God has made it GOOD.  It's good to be in this place.  It's tough, but it's good.  Fear and trust may not be able to coincide, but did you know that tough and good can?    God trades beauty for ashes and can redeem any of our trials and turn them into triumph! 

Why would I not believe that God will continue to do this after I've seen with my own eyes?  I am consciously working at laying my fears at the feet of the cross.  It has been so engrained to think in fear that it's taken some practice to realize what I'm doing.  But it has been so freeing to call fear what it is, and to send it back where it comes from.  We are not created to live in a happy little bubble.  Sometimes we're called to the pit, and we're called to bring others back out of it with us.  Sometimes loss enters our lives, but I believe there is no experience in my life good or bad that I'd be better off without.  I know it will be hard for me to see in the middle of it, but I have this hope and God's promise that he is working all of my life's experiences together for good because I love him and because I'm called according to his purpose.  God is SO big that we cannot even comprehend just how big. 

It's a good place to be.  God is calling our family to places I just never saw us.  But I see it ever so clearly now, and boy is it all making sense.  So I'm gonna trust him,  I'm gonna live and love like there's no tomorrow, and I'm gonna praise him and never stop. 

I realized this isn't a very Christmas themed post, but it's what's on my heart tonight as I sit alone with my beautifully lit Christmas tree in the dark.  For God, sending Jesus to earth as a baby was definitely hard, but wasn't it so good?  It was good, it was oh so good. 

Merry Christmas to you all. 

the homeschool blahs

In each of our six homeschooling years, I've hit a blah patch.  And I'm currently in the world of blahdom.  Welcome back to the blahs, Amanda... we've been waiting for you. 

It's difficult for me to explain my blahishness, mostly it's homeschooling boredom and laziness.  Mostly it's because my selfish nature kicks into over-drive and I realize there are so many other things my selfish nature wants to do.  When I give into my selfish side, homeschooling falls apart.  The kids go crazy, I grow impatient, and I wonder why they aren't just doing what they're supposed to.  Well....  I know full well it's because I'm not doing what I'm supposed to. 

I want to be homeschooling.

I love being with our kids. 

I love homeschooling.


Right now though, it just reeks of blahness.  (I love how I've made up new words using blah in this post!) 

We aren't led toward any other option right now.  Nor do I think we'll ever be led to any other option for schooling.  If God leads us to do something else, we'll visit that when it comes.  But for now,  this is it.  This is what we do. 

I'm realizing more and more that there are so many things I want to do with the kids, but I get so stinkin' lazy sometimes.  Too lazy to slow down.  Does that make sense?  I'm a go-getter type person, so I don't consider my self a lazy person... but I do consider myself a hurried person, that wants things done in an instant and doesn't fancy taking the time it takes to do a really good job on something.  I'm too lazy to stop what I'm doing and do something that would be meaningful to the kids.  Most of the time.  I have to give myself some credit and not bash myself too much.  I love doing things with the kids.  I just know myself and know when I'm fighting against it.  I have a much easier time with this on the weekends when Jeremy is home, but on our school days when he's working I really struggle to stop my plans and give of my time.  Selfish.  I know.  That's my problem. 

At the beginning of this year, we started in with a great school day schedule which I love.  We've all loved it.  But it has caused me to swallow a large unselfish pill and I think that is what has gotten me all out of whack, and caused me to ditch the schedule for a bit.  BIG MISTAKE.  Our days have been chaotic compared to normal.  I love doing what I want, when I want to.  And our school schedule doesn't leave much room for that.  My kids (and I) need routine, and one that I stick to.

 I have a really hard time doing the same thing for very long... that's why my blog background changes periodically, I have so many hobbies, and why it's hard to do the same thing EVERYDAY.  I get bored.  Now, this boredom doesn't apply to things like my marriage, my kids, church, family, etc... for me, it applies to the negotiable things that can be changed.  I change it up, because I can.  (I hope you'll notice that this rambling blog post, is for me... so that I can type my thoughts out and understand myself.  Feel free to stop reading at any time!)

But I'm realizing that in this life we've chosen, and this life God has blessed us with, a healthy dose of unselfishness is just what I need. 

My kids and husband have my heart.  I know you know that if you've read this blog for any period of time.  I desire to be doing my kids justice in our homeschooling.  I depend on the Lord for strength and wisdom.  I have a lot of great things going for me, and I feel like I've made great strides in SO many areas that go unnoticable to most. 

But this area is probably what I struggle with most.  My time.  My plans.  My.  My.  Mine.  I'm not some seemingly homeschooling saint.  I've been viewed like that in the past, and I always say,  "If you only knew."  I wanted my life to be not about me.  I know that's what God wants from me too.  And most of the time, I'm perfectly content in that spot.  Except when the blahs hit. 

My kids are great students, they really are.  They love to learn.  They're fantastic readers and read all day long and into the night.  They soak up what we're learning.  I love being with them.  Love seeing their eyes light up.  And I love that they want to be with me. 

Right now, for a book club I'm leading, we're reading Beth Moore's new book So Long, Insecurity.  Wowsers.  It's a good 'un.  I'm super insecure in my homeschooling.  No one has made me feel that way, I just am.  I've been praying that God would give me his joy in this.  He has numerous times.  I just feel like I slip back so easily into the homeschool crankies.  I'm insecure that I'm not doing enough, that they won't be good writers because of me, that they're getting the short end of the educational stick because of me.  But really, I know better.  They're fine.  They'll be fine.  I know I'm not ruining them.  I know all those things.  But Satan knows my insecurities, so he jumps on my back about it whenever he gets a chance.  And I feel it, and sometimes I tell him to take a hike - outloud. 

Another reason things have been blah is that I have five kids in a span of nine years.  Now, every appendage including my head has the ability to be held onto by someone.  And be pulled in a different direction.  My sister reminded me of that recently when I was recounting my blahs to her... "Well, you have a baby."  Oh yeah.  I had forgotten that that was supposed to throw things off.  I really did.  I'm such an eternal optimist that sometimes I forget that some things are just hard.  And that's okay.  It doesn't have to be hunky dory all the time.  I forget that my life as a mom is draining.  I mean, I forget that it's supposed to be.  Only God can supply our true needs and fill us back up.

See?  I'm learning and remembering things as I type.  Thanks for walking with me through this. 

I am purposing in my heart to not be a blahfilled mom.  Or a blahfilled wife.  I am a mom and a wife that is filled with joy.  God's joy.  It is one of the gifts or fruits that come along with his Holy Spirit when he comes to dwell within us.  Joy is ours for the taking.  Unending.  Can't be explained.  Joy.  Not related to my circumstances joy.  Can't be taken away from me except by my choosing.   Joy.  You want some of that?  It's yours.  All you need is to ask.  God'll fill you right up to overflowing.  He's done it time and time again for me.  And now if I could just stop dumping it all out without getting it filled right back up. 

I know what triggers me to dump all my joy out the window.  It's being unprepared, late, and in the midst of clutter and messes.  So tonight I tidied up the house so I feel ahead when I wake up, not already behind.  That makes such a huge difference for me.  And I'm gonna try to keep it up on our school nights.  I'm sure some or most of you do this every night... but once dinner is over, I usually check out of doing those kinds of things.  I'm just done! 

I'm gonna wrap this up, and am purposing to be up on my Bible Study, be a joyfilled mom, and be prepared for each day as much as I can. 

I feel better already. 

Depraved Indifference

Quite possibly the best video I've ever seen. Finally, something that explains the way I feel in my heart in a way that I can't explain myself. You won't be sorry you took the time to watch this, it's 8 minutes - but so worth it.  WOW

This idea doesn't just apply to children halfway around the world, it applies to all children even those in our own backyards in state care.

not large enough.

This post has been brewing in my brain for quite some time.  I'm sure if you're a Mom and you've been out with your child(ren), you've heard these statements:

"Wow, you have your hands full!"
"Don't you know how those are made by now?"
"I don't know how you do it!"
"You're brave for bringing them all with you..."

You get the idea.  You give them a weak smile while thinking, that's all you could think of to say? 

If you've ever said anything like this to a harried Mom (or perfectly peaceful Mom), no worries... I'm just trying to get us to look deeper.  Why are children not valued?  Why do we choose to look at the seemingly negative side of a circumstance rather than the positives?  Can we see children as a joyful addition to life (and shopping trips)?  And by the way, a Mom always knows she has her hands full!  And I for one, LOVE taking all 5 kids to the store.  I really do.  It's a challenge and such fun all at the same time. 

I can think of plenty of positive things to say when I see a fellow Mom out and about with her kid(s).  How about:   (these are real things that people have said to me,  THANK YOU!)

"Cute kiddos."
"How old are they?"
You are incredibly blessed."
"You're doing a good job, Mom."
"Can I help you with anything?"
"You kids are so well behaved."
"How fun to be shopping with your Mom!"

This is just a springboard to get to the topic I want to address.  I have 5 children.  Honestly, I don't see that as a large family.  It's our family.  And I adore our family.  It's not a burden, it's an absolute joy.  I can understand why a family with more than 2-3 kids is considered "large" in our culture where reaching the "American Dream" is something to be strived for, and many view children as little beings that get in the way.  Well, I for one am living my dream.  No American Dream needed here, I have a God-given dream.  There is nothing that could entice me to live in a bigger house, have a nicer (and smaller) car, enjoy more throw around cash, have designer clothes, and a career that is taking off.  NOTHING.  I laugh at the thought.  I love my life.  Our children are a heritage.  They (and ourselves) are the only things that are lasting in this life in light of eternity.  So why should I invest in anything else? 

There are WAY, WAY, WAY too many children (try over 150 million) that need the love of a family for us to be selfish with our lives.  (I am in no way saying that all should adopt, or become foster parents, or that you yourself are being selfish... I'm talking about our family specifically.)  God has placed his heart for the fatherless and the lonely in ours, and we are never looking back.  Sometimes I lay in bed at night and ache at the thought of a child somewhere (right now) being abused, neglected, and with no hope.  Sometimes it is more than I can bear.  Sometimes I look at the photo galleries of waiting children here in the United States and other countries to see if any of them seem like they are ours.  I did that today.  I do it often. 

In the last 2 years, God has completely thrown open the doors of our hearts and let us look through his eyes at this ginormous need.  And we began to wonder, what can we ever do?  We already have a family with 4 children.  Well, God expanded our hearts to have more love to give and changed our way of thinking.  We don't need a larger house, ours will do just fine.  We do have more room.  Our children don't need their own space.  Sharing rooms builds respect for others and their property.  And it builds relationships like nothing else can.

So in our minds, our family isn't large or too large... I just have a feeling it's not large enough.  And with God, how can anything be "too" anything?  If it's his plan and his heart, how can anything not be just right?  There are so many thoughts swirling tonight that it's all coming out as one big ramble... I hope you're still with me, and I hope God stirs your heart too. 

To do something. 

If you are a believer in Christ, God has chosen us as the people who will come to orphans and widows in their distress.  We all know what a widow is, but what is an orphan exactly?  Is it just someone who has lost both parents to death?  I believe it is that, and also there is a figurative use of the word, which puts on the same level parentless children and people who are alone, solitary; abandoned, cast-off, forsaken, lost; disregarded, ignored, neglected, and slighted. I also have heard foster children called "temporary orphans."  And I believe this to be a proper use of the term, especially with all of the added definitions of an orphan.

Children need not only food and shelter.  They need love, security, and to belong somewhere.  Somewhere safe.  And though we aren't perfect people or parents, we are willing to be used by God in the life of our children and possibly future children with our faults and all.  And we pray he will use us for his glory on this earth and not ours. 

feeling heavy

Honestly, tonight I'm feeling heavy... like a little black rain cloud is hovering over my head.  We never dreamed we'd be happily in love with our new daughter, have her in our home for over 2 months, and still not have any resolution with this adoption.  I won't go into much detail, but things are slow and communication stinks with her birthparents.  We're needing prayer, and want Satan's hands off of this baby, our family, and her birthparents.  I figure this is a good place to vent, and a good way to get the prayer request out there...

Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.   Isaiah 12:2

He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the alien, giving him food and clothing.  Deuteronomy 10:18

Tomorrow is a new day, with enough worries of it's own.. so this heaviness stays here... I'm re-giving it to God.  I'm taking joy in my sweet family, my salvation, and the blessings of adoption... namely the little 11 pound 4 oz. bundle who is snoring in our room.  Tomorrow is our first day of school around here.   The books are laid out, mechanical pencils are in place,  and I have 3 eager students who really are excited to start.  I'm excited too, now that my brain is clear. 

Thanks for reading (listening), blog friends and real-life friends.  :) 

Oh, and as a side note, these are the beautiful poppies that graced our walkway this summer... they're all gone now, but for months we had poppies in yellow, white, red, and this beautiful pink color.  I love poppies!!! 

what to say?

Several times over the last few weeks, I have opened up a new post and closed it because I didn't quite know what to say. These last 7 weeks with Gabrielle in our family have been so wonderful, she is a sweet, sweet girl who has won all of our hearts. But this time has also been wrought with hard times. The consent paperwork to adopt her, and make her legally our daughter are still not signed. It stinks. It hurts. And I just want to yell, ENOUGH ALREADY! But I'll settle for blog yelling, because that wouldn't be a good idea. It's a story I won't explain, it's more of a private matter... but we need much prayer for peace in our hearts, patience with this process, and for our sweet baby girl to be legally ours pronto.

Most of the time, I feel just fine. I have every confidence she isn't leaving our home, but it's a lingering uneasy feeling that keeps coming back to ooze it's way into my thoughts. And every time I give it to God, because I'm not capable of handling it well. We need prayer protection and so does Gabi. We're needing a miracle in the form of open communication with her birthparents and signed and filed consent forms.  Thanks, friends.   Feel free to pass our prayer request on to others who will pray. 

food for the soul

Psalm 27
Of David.


1 The LORD is my light and my salvation—

whom shall I fear?

The LORD is the stronghold of my life—

of whom shall I be afraid?

2 When evil men advance against me

to devour my flesh,

when my enemies and my foes attack me,

they will stumble and fall.



3 Though an army besiege me,

my heart will not fear;

though war break out against me,

even then will I be confident.



4 One thing I ask of the LORD,

this is what I seek:

that I may dwell in the house of the LORD


all the days of my life,

to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD

and to seek him in his temple.



5 For in the day of trouble

he will keep me safe in his dwelling;

he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle

and set me high upon a rock.



6 Then my head will be exalted

above the enemies who surround me;

at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy;

I will sing and make music to the LORD.



7 Hear my voice when I call, O LORD;

be merciful to me and answer me.



8 My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"

Your face, LORD, I will seek.



9 Do not hide your face from me,

do not turn your servant away in anger;

you have been my helper.

Do not reject me or forsake me,

O God my Savior.



10 Though my father and mother forsake me,

the LORD will receive me.



11 Teach me your way, O LORD;

lead me in a straight path

because of my oppressors.



12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,

for false witnesses rise up against me,

breathing out violence.



13 I am still confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the LORD

in the land of the living.



14 Wait for the LORD;


be strong and take heart


and wait for the LORD.

passionate

Last night, I laid in bed thinking about what I'm passionate about.  If I really stop and think about it, I can come up with loads of things I'm passionate about.  But we can be passionate about many, many things without actually acting on them, you know what I mean?  I want to be a woman who moves and acts and makes a difference in the areas God has given me a passion for.  My passions will be different than your passions.  I can't judge you for not having the same passion I have, and vice versa.  And I'm not a megaphone type of person who rants to all who will listen about my passions... and expects everyone else to agree. God gives us different abilities, gifts, and passions.   What're yours??  I'd love for you to share them in the comments if you would!

The things I am passionate about, that I can think of right now as I'm sitting here are, and can totally bandwagon on and post several blog post about are:

(in no particular order.. hee hee)

putting an end to the worldwide sex-traffiking industry

my marriage, and marriages in general

raising children to love the Lord and seek Him with all their hearts

that women are in safe homes and relationships

orphans

the every child has a loving, safe family

adoption

that those considering adoption would take a leap of faith and dive in

foster children and foster care

teaching our kids at home

that the termination of pregnancies would end

that everyone on the planet would know the love and saving grace of Jesus Christ

that humans would respect other humans

that our nation would fall on it's knees before God in worship and obedience

moms ~ that women would see the priviledge and honor of being a mother

men/fathers ~ that men would see the responsibility of being a dad/husband as something to be cherished

making people feel welcomed

being honest/transparent with friends

all humans would only speak things that are kind/necessary/true... (we're teaching our kids this)

unmarried teens/adults would see the importance of waiting until marriage to have sex

pornography ~ I wish it would vanish into thin air

modesty

Christians looking beyond themselves and their own family to the needs around us

clean water and food for all
that I would not view my life as "my own" that I would view it as God's to do with as he desires

Wow, that's a lot of things to be passionate about... I'm sure there are many more!!  And those are just the "issues" I'm passionate about, that doesn't even include the things I like to do that generate passion in me. And yes, some of these seem "unrealistic" because of sin in our world, but that doesn't stop me from making a difference where I am.

Now the question is, what am I to do with all of this passion?  Why has God placed these things on my heart?  Time will tell, but for now... all I can do is act on them as God gives opportunities.  And he continues to do just that.