never say never. ever.

I can vividly remember times in the last year, where I have whispered to myself,

"I could never wear my glasses day in and day out.  I think I look so tired and ugly in them."

And at other times, I told myself,

"I really, really hope I don't ever have to be one of those people that have to go gluten-free for one reason or another, or have to drastically change my diet in any way.  I could never do that." 

Seriously.

Don't you imagine that God just chuckles at us at times?  Sits back, crosses his arms, and then slaps his knee at our boldness and hilarity?  I do.  I'm sure a great big belly laugh was heard in heaven at my expense.  And then he called Gabriel over and he laughed too because it was me again.  Sigh. 

Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring.
Proverbs 27:1



You see, about six months ago, I was diagnosed with an eye infection that has greatly effected my whole cornea.  (the covering of your eye)  It then jumped to the uninfected eye as well and stuck around there for a couple months, though it is to a much lesser degree.  And now it has moved to the chronic level and is pretty much permanent these days.  I am not able to wear contacts or makeup, which, in the past was my absolute nightmare. 

I know, totally vain.

(Even though a few "special" days have seen me sporting a little eye makeup, that was promptly removed when I got home.)  I have been on countless rounds of medication these six months, with no solution in sight.  Next would be a specialist, new medication, and new procedures.  But I haven't gone back to the Dr.  It gets a little tiring.  I was going every week for a long time there. 

I don't say all of this to gain pity.  Not at all.  I actually have come to love my glasses, and forget I'm wearing them most days.  And if I have eye makeup on under them, I actually scare myself when I look into the mirror.  It looks that strange to me! 

I say all of this because God has been doing a rather large work in me over this past year.  And it's only fitting that it would end with a bang and completely tear away the things I thought I needed to function.  AKA: contacts, makeup, and normal food.  (We'll get to the food part.)

Okay, I'm going to be really honest here, and say that I never understood why women would choose not to wear makeup if they were able, and if they had a choice, why they didn't wear contacts instead of glasses?  But, oh have I been enlightened!  For one, I thought for some reason, that Jeremy would think I was the ugliest woman on the planet if I didn't wear eye makeup.  And he'd make a fast break for the hills.  But in reality, he doesn't even notice if I happen to be wearing some that day and says he thinks I'm beautiful no matter what.  He thinks my glasses are cute too. 

What I'm realizing now, is that insecurities we hold about ourselves and our bodies can take root and grow to be a huge and poisonous weed.  And it begins to come out in our speech and we obsess over it.  (Listen to what your friends talk about and you'll figure out really quickly what they are insecure about.)  This weed is one that needs to be plucked.  And maybe if we aren't going to do the work to pull it ourselves, he sometimes takes the reigns and steps in.  Well, God has plucked it for sure.  And now the weed of insecurity of how I look in my glasses and without makeup and in public in general is long gone, and I feel comfortable with myself and my four-eyed, bare face.  I sure do hope that contacts are in my future again, but I'm pretty sure that my glasses will also be close at hand.  And that makeup will be strictly optional. 

Maybe you're thinking, we need to pray for healing for that girl! 

Well, you're a little late, if you think we haven't gone that route.  :)  I pray each and everyday for healing from this and other things that ail me.  But you know what?  If this eye infection hadn't taken hold of me, I just wouldn't have heard God saying,


"You are beautiful.  I made you this way.  You are mine.  I love you.  Didn't I do a bang-up job on you?  I think so."


As I've experienced in the past, immediate healing isn't always the best choice for where God wants to take me.  Sometimes this girl needs to get a tad uncomfortable to truly hear and believe him.  There have been many moments since giving birth to our first four children that I just couldn't function.  My body was wrought with undiagnosed thyroid disease, and that brought a whole slew of awfulness such as anxiety and panic attacks, dizziness, extreme fatigue, crazy irritability, heart palpitations, etc..  for years..  I had one emergency room visit and trips to cardiologists too... and then add a skull that was sitting off of my spine from an old car accident as a teen nearly 18 years ago, and you have a recipe for a train wreck of a woman, wife, and mother. 

Yep, that was me.  Big train wreck mama.

But all of that, PRAISE be to GOD is GONE.  Banished.  Wiped away one-by-one in the last year and a half. The Lord has lead me to amazing practitioners that have taken care of all of the issues I was faced with.  I seriously thought I wouldn't live to see my kids grow up or be Jeremy's wife for the rest of my life.  At times I felt so helpless and sad.   Leaning on God and his promises that are jam-packed in the Bible are the only thing that kept me full of hope.  I kept trusting.  Kept hoping that one day....  that one day came sooner than I thought. 

Now, of course my eyes and issues with my body currently are bad, but I have this hope from God's faithfulness in the past.  So how could I not trust that he has my absolute good in mind?  But I have to say that my symptoms are mostly outward and aren't affecting my energy, sleep, etc.. like they did in the past.  So this, in comparison, is a walk in the park.  Though it wouldn't have been, had I not experienced hardships with my health in the past.  It's all in how you look at it.



Just when I thought I couldn't handle my eye infections any longer, a new card was played.  Enter the NO SUGAR - NO GRAINS - NO FRUITS - NO DAIRY plan.  Oh boy.  Wait. Wait, wait, wait.  I take back everything I said or thought about my glasses and makeup.  Not this!!! 

Well, after 4 weeks of eating like a rabbit who eats eggs, nuts, and beans too, I can honestly say that it has been so much easier than I thought at the outset.  I have taken it honestly one day at a time.  And only looked at what I was going to eat that day.  I didn't worry about the hard realities.  I kept focused on getting well and what I need to do to get there.  And hey, I am eating.  I have food to eat each day.  And for that I am truly thankful. 

And I actually love my new way of eating.  And I'm feeling better.  But I'm not gonna lie.  There have been a few times where I'd do just about anything to get my hands on a bowl of cereal or a steaming mocha.

You've heard enough about my new way of eating, so I won't go into it.  But let me just say that this is what it took for God to get through to me in the area of food.  He has changed my heart and mind in this area too.  And I never want to go back to the way I was before.   

Life can throw curve balls at you from the very insignificant to the heart-stopping - but God is still the God who knows and sees, and has your very best interest at the top his to-do list.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
Isaiah 43:2

touching this heart

These past couple weeks/months, these 4 songs (among others) have been majorly touching this heart. You may have seen me cruising down the road with an arm stretched toward heaven and one responsibly on the steering wheel.

Listen for yourself.

you're His, little one... His.

Finally, as I sit at my keyboard tonight, I'm feeling as I'd imagined I'd feel all along.  I have proverbially been holding my breath until today.  Until now.  The tears are flowing and I'm astounded that our Father loves us the way He does.  That He loves Gabrielle the way He does.  Our beautiful daughter has been home with us for nine months.  It has been an utterly divine nine months with her.  But two court hearings and no finalization of her adoption have put our faith through the wringer.  We have steadily trusted in His plan for Gabrielle's future and our faith has seen huge mountains moved over and over again.  How could we not trust?

A few weeks after her birth, Gabrielle's birthparents decided that adoption was in her best interest.  They had met us, and decided... even through the pain and uncertainty of it, that we were the best choice for her future.  I'm still in awe that those two brave souls, who will always be precious to us, chose life for her and chose us for her.  And at nine weeks old, we had the sheer pleasure of welcoming her into our fold.  She has been the light and love of our already bustling home the same amount of time she grew and developed in her birthmother's womb.  She has been our daughter.  But on paper she has had another name.  On paper she has had another mother and another father.  No piece of paper or judge's decree could ever change the way our hearts feel... nor does it make her more our daughter.  But oh, the sweetness of it now!  Today marks the end of a long road to finalize Gabrielle's adoption! She has a new name, a new mother and father.  And we humbly get to be her parents.   Adoptions, no matter what kind, are wrought with emotion on all sides.  We're all human and we all pull and struggle against what we want to do and what we know is right.  This adoption has been no stranger to high emotions and humanness.  (mostly from me!) 

June 26, 2010

Getting ready to bring her home for the first time. 

I honestly thought I understood God's love after giving birth to our first four children. 

I thought I understood that He would do anything to be with us, anything to bring us into a relationship with Himself.  But I don't think I truly grasped how far He would go to reach down, zero in, and grab on for dear life, gently propping us up in the place where we belong.  I see that so clearly now. 

He would do anything for us to be His. 

And He did just that.  He gave His Son for us. 

The bunch of messes we are. 

Indescribable.

It was so natural that when our children were born to us, they were ours.  No questions asked.  No one came over to check where our medications were kept, or if we had enough smoke detectors.  No one made sure we were all on the same page before allowing us the chance at getting pregnant.  It just was. 

So many times down this adoption road we've been on, I've wanted to growl to everyone, "Step back, she's mine!"  Don't even think about changing your mind.  You can't have her.  Don't even think about it.  As any mother can attest, a mama's love is fierce. 

And I have a fierce love for this daughter of mine. 

For all of my children. 

And in the middle of it all, I have come to understand God's love. 

His love is fierce. 

For all of His children.

He says, "Step back, everyone! You can't have her, she's MINE." 

I'm His. 

She's His.  Not mine.  

I understand now. 

He chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved.

(Ephesians 1:4-6)

got my head on straight

I'm a little in shock right now.  I'm sitting here with my head on straight after 17 years of it being shifted off to the side of my spine.  I saw an amazing chiropractor (and so much more) yesterday and he's the first one after years of seeing so many others that actually fixed the source of all my problems.  I AM SO THANKFUL!!!  I have so much hope. 

I was in an awful car accident as a teen, and the force of the school bus cutting my car in half shifted my head off to the right.  I didn't know it, nor feel it at the time.  But 4 pregnancies and 17 years of life have made it known in a BIG way.  I know God spared my life that day in November years ago, and I always knew God kept me alive for a purpose.  I know now what that purpose is, but I never thought the actual accident would affect me this far out.  Since I amazingly and miraculously wasn't "hurt" in the accident, I didn't even think that my neck/back troubles could be from that.  But they are, and they're gone! 

I didn't sleep last night because my head was still getting used to being centered on my spine, and it was a bit painful.  But I can deal with that...  it's the years and years of pain that wouldn't go away that were hard to deal with.  I still can't believe it. 

When he realized what bad shape I was in, he just shook his head.  I knew he really cared about me.  He spent 2 hours on me!  Unheard of.  He was so happy to get me put back together that he actually cried tears of joy that sent me into tears of joy too.  He called his receptionist in to see the change!  I had been overcompensating for a crooked body for so many years. 

You know?  I always wondered why my glasses were always crooked on my face.  I never once gave it any thought that my head wasn't on straight and my left ear was tilted down.  I was so excited to try on my sunglasses when I got back into the car!  Viola! Straight!

Another thing he realized is that my pregnancies had mashed my stomach up into my ribs, which is normal in a pregnancy.  But it never came back down!  My back has been so tensed up that the muscles just held it up there.  Ouch.  No wonder I've had stomach issues and shortness of breath.  No wonder.  He got my stomach back down to where it needed to be, and oh the room!  Crazy, huh?

Well, that's all for now.  I really am still in shock that that's all it took for this misery to end.  And I'm praising God for his leading my to this amazing guy.  He's in his 70's and I'm already hoping he's got a replacement lined up after he's retired.  He's THAT good. 

her hospitalization..

When Gabrielle was 5 weeks old, she was hospitalized for 2 weeks with pneumonia. 

She recovered beautifully, and came home to us two weeks after her release from the hospital.  We hadn't even met her at this point, but we had heard about her just prior to this and knew she was hospitalized.  But even then we had no idea she would be our daughter.  These pictures of her earlier days are so wonderful to see.  But isn't it so sad to see a baby hooked up to all those tubes? 

 This hospitalization was the catalyst toward us being considered as her adoptive family, so though it's sad she was so sick, we are so thankful for God's hand in her life and for him allowing certain things to happen that would lead her to us and fulfull His plan for her life. 

 

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God,

to those who are the called according to His purpose. 

Romans 8:28

it's finally time to celebrate this baby!

Last week was Gabrielle's baby shower!  My dear friends Rachel and Allison had been working to plan a celebration for Gabi throughout the end of summer and September seemed to be just the right time to have it.  We put it off in the distance in hopes that things would be more solidified with her adoption, and boy did they pick the right date or what??  4 days earlier, Gabrielle's birthmom signed her adoption consent.  It had been my heart's desire that I could sit at her baby shower fully relaxed and knowing that the adoption was coming.  God did just that.  That fact alone caused me to completely lose it right as the shower was starting.  As I looked around at all of these wonderful friends and family, I was overcome. 

I thought, "They are here for Gabi and they're here for our family, and I can't believe I'm standing here in this place with this baby who is my daughter." 

It was just too much for me!  I felt so free, thankful, and incredibly happy. 

Thank you also to another dear friend Anne-Renee who planned all the decor and made it look so fun and beautiful. 

Sarah shares beautifully from her heart and gathers us together to pray for Gabi's life, our family, and the events surrounding her adoption.  Thank you, Sarah. 

We pray.

Group photo!!!  (minus Lynda who is taking this one...)



Group photo #2.. (minus Rachel who took this one!)



Grandma Anita making Gabrielle so happy, while chit chatting with Mary.

So many lovely and thoughtful gifts for our sweetie!

Pam and Gabi...  she's showing off her new hat!

Rachel, me, and Allison

You guys are so special to me, thank you for making this such a meaningful and fun occasion for us.  You guys are SUCH good friends to me, and I'm thankful for your presence in my life. 

I also have friends who are quite creative and crafty... here are the handmade gifts Gabrielle received.

Thank you Kristy for the adorable appliqued shirt and bib!  And look at this tiny bracelet that Tasha made?  All my girls have them.  She's made one for each of them when they were babies.  Now Annie and Morgan have bigger sizes too. 

Carly made this super cute tag blankey for Gabi.  She LOVES it and plays with the ribbons for a long time!  It's amazing for something to keep her attention for that long... 

And the gorgeous hand knit wool hat from Shannon who has an etsy store called Baruch's Lullaby, and this amazing kuspuk from Rebecca!!!  Isn't it so cute and cool???  I can't wait for her to fit into it. 

I love this bib from Kristy...

Don't I have amazingly crafty friends?  I think so. 

Thank you everyone.  

oh happy day!

Today is a very happy day in our household! 

This day marks the end of the 10-day period

that Gabrielle's birthmom

had to withdraw her consent

if she had a change of heart. 

She didn't. 

And now her decision is irrevocable.

We're rejoicing!

After she signed, we breathed a sigh of relief. 

And now, we're practically jumping up and down.

Oh happy day indeed...  Thank you, Lord Jesus!

The Lord has done great things for us,

and we are filled with joy.

Psalm 126:3

not large enough.

This post has been brewing in my brain for quite some time.  I'm sure if you're a Mom and you've been out with your child(ren), you've heard these statements:

"Wow, you have your hands full!"
"Don't you know how those are made by now?"
"I don't know how you do it!"
"You're brave for bringing them all with you..."

You get the idea.  You give them a weak smile while thinking, that's all you could think of to say? 

If you've ever said anything like this to a harried Mom (or perfectly peaceful Mom), no worries... I'm just trying to get us to look deeper.  Why are children not valued?  Why do we choose to look at the seemingly negative side of a circumstance rather than the positives?  Can we see children as a joyful addition to life (and shopping trips)?  And by the way, a Mom always knows she has her hands full!  And I for one, LOVE taking all 5 kids to the store.  I really do.  It's a challenge and such fun all at the same time. 

I can think of plenty of positive things to say when I see a fellow Mom out and about with her kid(s).  How about:   (these are real things that people have said to me,  THANK YOU!)

"Cute kiddos."
"How old are they?"
You are incredibly blessed."
"You're doing a good job, Mom."
"Can I help you with anything?"
"You kids are so well behaved."
"How fun to be shopping with your Mom!"

This is just a springboard to get to the topic I want to address.  I have 5 children.  Honestly, I don't see that as a large family.  It's our family.  And I adore our family.  It's not a burden, it's an absolute joy.  I can understand why a family with more than 2-3 kids is considered "large" in our culture where reaching the "American Dream" is something to be strived for, and many view children as little beings that get in the way.  Well, I for one am living my dream.  No American Dream needed here, I have a God-given dream.  There is nothing that could entice me to live in a bigger house, have a nicer (and smaller) car, enjoy more throw around cash, have designer clothes, and a career that is taking off.  NOTHING.  I laugh at the thought.  I love my life.  Our children are a heritage.  They (and ourselves) are the only things that are lasting in this life in light of eternity.  So why should I invest in anything else? 

There are WAY, WAY, WAY too many children (try over 150 million) that need the love of a family for us to be selfish with our lives.  (I am in no way saying that all should adopt, or become foster parents, or that you yourself are being selfish... I'm talking about our family specifically.)  God has placed his heart for the fatherless and the lonely in ours, and we are never looking back.  Sometimes I lay in bed at night and ache at the thought of a child somewhere (right now) being abused, neglected, and with no hope.  Sometimes it is more than I can bear.  Sometimes I look at the photo galleries of waiting children here in the United States and other countries to see if any of them seem like they are ours.  I did that today.  I do it often. 

In the last 2 years, God has completely thrown open the doors of our hearts and let us look through his eyes at this ginormous need.  And we began to wonder, what can we ever do?  We already have a family with 4 children.  Well, God expanded our hearts to have more love to give and changed our way of thinking.  We don't need a larger house, ours will do just fine.  We do have more room.  Our children don't need their own space.  Sharing rooms builds respect for others and their property.  And it builds relationships like nothing else can.

So in our minds, our family isn't large or too large... I just have a feeling it's not large enough.  And with God, how can anything be "too" anything?  If it's his plan and his heart, how can anything not be just right?  There are so many thoughts swirling tonight that it's all coming out as one big ramble... I hope you're still with me, and I hope God stirs your heart too. 

To do something. 

If you are a believer in Christ, God has chosen us as the people who will come to orphans and widows in their distress.  We all know what a widow is, but what is an orphan exactly?  Is it just someone who has lost both parents to death?  I believe it is that, and also there is a figurative use of the word, which puts on the same level parentless children and people who are alone, solitary; abandoned, cast-off, forsaken, lost; disregarded, ignored, neglected, and slighted. I also have heard foster children called "temporary orphans."  And I believe this to be a proper use of the term, especially with all of the added definitions of an orphan.

Children need not only food and shelter.  They need love, security, and to belong somewhere.  Somewhere safe.  And though we aren't perfect people or parents, we are willing to be used by God in the life of our children and possibly future children with our faults and all.  And we pray he will use us for his glory on this earth and not ours. 

it happened!

We are now the proud owners of signed adoption consent forms from Gabrielle's birthmom!!!

We set up a meeting today after some good conversation with her yesterday, and it happened.  It's nothing short of a miracle straight from our Heavenly Father, we know that for sure...  Thank you for praying for us in this.  In 10 days, her signature will be irrevocable and our case will be filed with the courts.  Our court date will be in a couple months! 
Since she is the custodial parent, her signature is the most important to us...  the birthdad's will soon follow, as he has expressed to us he is ready to sign and intends for us to adopt her as well.

We are on cloud nine today...  YAHOOOOOOOO!