There are times when I get overwhelmed by the brevity and fragileness of life that I can hardly breathe.
I begin to think about the what ifs and the pain that may someday enter my life. Sometimes I lay in bed at night loving my husband and little bits so much that I think I may just burst at the seams. I don't want anything to change. I want to sit in my happy bubble and float around in it. I don't want my children to leave. I don't want any of us to leave this earth ahead of any of the rest of us. I tear up even now at the thought. I imagine Gavin, who can't bear the thought of sleeping apart from his brother, saying goodbye to his lifelong roomie and sending him off into the great big world without him. And in 8 short years, that may become a reality. (Or Drew can stay and raise his family in our home like he plans on now...)
There's a song I love right now called, My Own Little World. My song would be titled, My Own Imaginary World.
If you're like many women I talk to, you have your own little imaginary world too. We like to dive into the deep end of the what ifs and swim around awhile. Sometimes I grab my floaties and goggles and stay even longer. I imagine what life would be like if _______ happened, or ___________ got hurt or ill, or what if there's a ________ or a ________. You know what I mean. I really hope I'm alone in this, but I just know I'm not.
Studying the Bible this last semester with a new group of women has brought my awareness, understanding, and desire for change to a new level. I am a fearful person in my nature. I'm brave and confident in most situations, but the fear of the unknown taunts me. I was thinking I was fully trusting God with my life. Maybe I was with mine a little, but I sure wasn't with everyone else's. I fear the uncontrollable. Check this out:
He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD. Psalm 112:7
What would it look like to live with a fully steadfast heart, trusting in the Lord? I know God has my life, the life of my family mapped out. I know that. Am I okay with what the furture holds including the hard stuff? I have to be. This fear thing, this worrying thing just isn't working out... so I am asking God to give me his peace and his power to fully trust him. I know he can be trusted, I've seen his trustworthiness over and over again. He will bring us through. He promises. Life will not be forever rosey and bright. We will walk through the valleys, but God will guide us to the top of that peak once again if we trust him.
This year we have been walking through things that used to make me shiver in my boots. I didn't know how people dealt with these things, and I'd hoped I'd never be one of them. It was one of my biggest fears. Well I'm one of them now and I'm plunked right down in the middle of it, and God has made it GOOD. It's good to be in this place. It's tough, but it's good. Fear and trust may not be able to coincide, but did you know that tough and good can? God trades beauty for ashes and can redeem any of our trials and turn them into triumph!
Why would I not believe that God will continue to do this after I've seen with my own eyes? I am consciously working at laying my fears at the feet of the cross. It has been so engrained to think in fear that it's taken some practice to realize what I'm doing. But it has been so freeing to call fear what it is, and to send it back where it comes from. We are not created to live in a happy little bubble. Sometimes we're called to the pit, and we're called to bring others back out of it with us. Sometimes loss enters our lives, but I believe there is no experience in my life good or bad that I'd be better off without. I know it will be hard for me to see in the middle of it, but I have this hope and God's promise that he is working all of my life's experiences together for good because I love him and because I'm called according to his purpose. God is SO big that we cannot even comprehend just how big.
It's a good place to be. God is calling our family to places I just never saw us. But I see it ever so clearly now, and boy is it all making sense. So I'm gonna trust him, I'm gonna live and love like there's no tomorrow, and I'm gonna praise him and never stop.
I realized this isn't a very Christmas themed post, but it's what's on my heart tonight as I sit alone with my beautifully lit Christmas tree in the dark. For God, sending Jesus to earth as a baby was definitely hard, but wasn't it so good? It was good, it was oh so good.
Merry Christmas to you all.
