In each of our six homeschooling years, I've hit a blah patch. And I'm currently in the world of blahdom. Welcome back to the blahs, Amanda... we've been waiting for you.
It's difficult for me to explain my blahishness, mostly it's homeschooling boredom and laziness. Mostly it's because my selfish nature kicks into over-drive and I realize there are so many other things my selfish nature wants to do. When I give into my selfish side, homeschooling falls apart. The kids go crazy, I grow impatient, and I wonder why they aren't just doing what they're supposed to. Well.... I know full well it's because I'm not doing what I'm supposed to.
I
want to be homeschooling.
I
love being with our kids.
I
love homeschooling.
Right now though, it just reeks of blahness. (I love how I've made up new words using
blah in this post!)
We aren't led toward any other option right now. Nor do I think we'll ever be led to any other option for schooling. If God leads us to do something else, we'll visit that when it comes. But for now, this is it. This is what we do.
I'm realizing more and more that there are so many things I want to do with the kids, but I get so stinkin' lazy sometimes. Too lazy to slow down. Does that make sense? I'm a go-getter type person, so I don't consider my self a lazy person... but I do consider myself a hurried person, that wants things done in an instant and doesn't fancy taking the time it takes to do a really good job on something. I'm too lazy to stop what I'm doing and do something that would be meaningful to the kids. Most of the time. I have to give myself some credit and not bash myself too much. I love doing things with the kids. I just know myself and know when I'm fighting against it. I have a much easier time with this on the weekends when Jeremy is home, but on our school days when he's working I really struggle to stop my plans and give of my time. Selfish. I know. That's my problem.
At the beginning of this year, we started in with a great school day schedule which I love. We've all loved it. But it has caused me to swallow a large unselfish pill and I think that is what has gotten me all out of whack, and caused me to ditch the schedule for a bit. BIG MISTAKE. Our days have been chaotic compared to normal. I love doing what I want, when I want to. And our school schedule doesn't leave much room for that. My kids (and I) need routine, and one that I stick to.
I have a really hard time doing the same thing for very long... that's why my blog background changes periodically, I have so many hobbies, and why it's hard to do the same thing EVERYDAY. I get bored. Now, this boredom doesn't apply to things like my marriage, my kids, church, family, etc... for me, it applies to the negotiable things that can be changed. I change it up, because I can. (I hope you'll notice that this rambling blog post, is for me... so that I can type my thoughts out and understand myself. Feel free to stop reading at any time!)
But I'm realizing that in this life we've chosen, and this life God has blessed us with, a healthy dose of unselfishness is just what I need.
My kids and husband have my heart. I know you know that if you've read this blog for any period of time. I desire to be doing my kids justice in our homeschooling. I depend on the Lord for strength and wisdom. I have a lot of great things going for me, and I feel like I've made great strides in SO many areas that go unnoticable to most.
But this area is probably what I struggle with most. My time. My plans. My. My. Mine. I'm not some seemingly homeschooling saint. I've been viewed like that in the past, and I always say, "If you only knew." I wanted my life to be not about me. I know that's what God wants from me too. And most of the time, I'm perfectly content in that spot. Except when the blahs hit.
My kids are great students, they really are. They love to learn. They're fantastic readers and read all day long and into the night. They soak up what we're learning. I love being with them. Love seeing their eyes light up. And I love that they want to be with me.
Right now, for a book club I'm leading, we're reading Beth Moore's new book So Long, Insecurity. Wowsers. It's a good 'un. I'm super insecure in my homeschooling. No one has made me feel that way, I just am. I've been praying that God would give me his joy in this. He has numerous times. I just feel like I slip back so easily into the homeschool crankies. I'm insecure that I'm not doing enough, that they won't be good writers because of me, that they're getting the short end of the educational stick because of me. But really, I know better. They're fine. They'll be fine. I know I'm not ruining them. I know all those things. But Satan knows my insecurities, so he jumps on my back about it whenever he gets a chance. And I feel it, and sometimes I tell him to take a hike - outloud.
Another reason things have been blah is that I have five kids in a span of nine years. Now, every appendage including my head has the ability to be held onto by someone. And be pulled in a different direction. My sister reminded me of that recently when I was recounting my blahs to her... "Well, you have a baby." Oh yeah. I had forgotten that that was supposed to throw things off. I really did. I'm such an eternal optimist that sometimes I forget that some things are just hard. And that's okay. It doesn't have to be hunky dory all the time. I forget that my life as a mom is draining. I mean, I forget that it's supposed to be. Only God can supply our true needs and fill us back up.
See? I'm learning and remembering things as I type. Thanks for walking with me through this.
I am purposing in my heart to not be a blahfilled mom. Or a blahfilled wife. I am a mom and a wife that is filled with joy. God's joy. It is one of the gifts or fruits that come along with his Holy Spirit when he comes to dwell within us. Joy is ours for the taking. Unending. Can't be explained. Joy. Not related to my circumstances joy. Can't be taken away from me except by my choosing. Joy. You want some of that? It's yours. All you need is to ask. God'll fill you right up to overflowing. He's done it time and time again for me. And now if I could just stop dumping it all out without getting it filled right back up.
I know what triggers me to dump all my joy out the window. It's being unprepared, late, and in the midst of clutter and messes. So tonight I tidied up the house so I feel ahead when I wake up, not already behind. That makes such a huge difference for me. And I'm gonna try to keep it up on our school nights. I'm sure some or most of you do this every night... but once dinner is over, I usually check out of doing those kinds of things. I'm just done!
I'm gonna wrap this up, and am purposing to be up on my Bible Study, be a joyfilled mom, and be prepared for each day as much as I can.
I feel better already.
